I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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