Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
