i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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