I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
