in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I am morally bankrupt
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
