if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
