If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
