I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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