I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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