No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
