Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
