My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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