I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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