White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
