Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
