Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
