my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
