I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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