hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
