I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
