she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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