Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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