i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
the raccoons are back...
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