At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FUCK WHALES
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