Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
