I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
