I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
