I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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