Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
