i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize