4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
