She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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