It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
