I hate your face
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
