Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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