I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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