sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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