i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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