I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
