You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
