i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Mom said you looked used
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize