I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
