I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
