New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Randomize
