Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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