watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
