Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
