You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
