My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I need to align my fucking chakras
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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