Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
