According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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