You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
