Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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