dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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