Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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