I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
