im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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