i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
