I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
