There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
