so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
